The summer ‘brain drain’ is a well known phenomenon, and it relates to the negative impact of not ‘actively learning’ (ie. being at school) on the cognitive function and mental health of children.
What’s often less considered, however, is the extent to which the same issue applies to parents during this overly-outstretched term-time hiatus.
I can’t necessarily pinpoint one specific reason for this ‘brain fog’ effect. An ‘effect’ that is purely anecdotal, I should point out here (although if the musings of the #instamum sphere are anything to go by, I’m fairly sure I’m not alone in my plight!)
What I can only presume the issue owes to, is the ‘cocktail’ of overlapping stimulus (ie. the mess. The noise. The conflicting demands) that comes with the being-at-home-with-children territory.
Mix this cacophony with the absence of intellectual and creative opportunities, and the brain-gone-to-mush feeling finds even greater acuity.
I refer to ‘noise’ in general here, but the one nuance of this hubbub that seems particularly deleterious to the old’ grey matter - is ‘sibling squabbling.’
Put like this, it sounds cute… almost endearing.
However, incessant arguing between siblings is a unique form of sensory torture for the mums and dads that have to endure it.
It’s puzzling really, that as parents, we know how harmful a conflict environment can be for our children’s mental health, and yet we presume ourselves to be immune from the same outcomes.
We are expected not to bristle amid the carnage. To be emotionally unfazed, and maintain an air of authority and balance. As if this isn’t challenging enough, we’re actually meant to concede that all the arguing might be a ’good thing.’ That it helps to build confidence, co-operation and social skill (to ‘provide an antidote to group-think’ as one article puts it.)
This narrative - the one that puts children’s happiness at all times as the single coefficient of how well the family framework is functioning - is one that I’ve always devoured wholeheartedly.
However, I do sometimes wonder, to what extent this way of being contradicts the values I espouse so passionately about in my writing.
In particular, the values of autonomy, and the pursuit of a healthy ‘mental diet’ (ie. one that affords time to think and function, and isn’t consumed with stressors.)
In a bid to find a solution to this dilemma, I actually googled ‘why can’t I get five minutes peace?’ and in so doing, happened across a Mumsnet post where a fellow mum was describing my exact reality.
The discovery of a kindred experience made me feel marginally better, in the moment, but the real salve came in the realisation that this post was written in 2008, and that this mum’s ‘constantly bickering’ 4 and 6 year olds…were now 18 and 20!!
The discovery somehow put the finitude of my ‘brain drain’ issue into rather stark perspective.
I’ll not pretend, of course, that being reminded this challenge isn’t forever, automatically made the feeling of overwhelm not so.
However, there is a slight comfort in the perspective, as well as a conflicting sense of sadness, that that which I’m willing to end…will ultimately do so before I know it, and most likely…before I’m ready.
This - it’s the paradox of motherhood, and evidence indeed, that so much of the joy of those sugar-coated ‘18 summers’….is retrospective. It’s the rose-tinted end-product of a mother’s unique (and somewhat selective) memory, which by default always tends to recall best the fullness of heart, over the frayedness of nerves!
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